Hey, everybody, welcome back to American Idol!

Last night was the first night of the season and we're in Philly, PA. This is apparently the biggest audition turn-out ever in the history of American Idol. And speeking of history, we get a brief review of Philadelphia's. (Careful, there might be an exam at the end!) Paula shows up and gets lots of hugs, Simon strolls in in his plain white T, and Randy is sporting Elvis sideburns this year, goodie.

DAY ONE

First up this year is Joey Catalano, and you'd think you were watching "The Biggest Loser" with his story of losing 204lbs, but you're not, its American Idol. Anyway, though he lost over 200lbs, he is still the same person inside, nice to know, can we sing now? (really, I am impressed by that) So, Joey chose to sing "Sunday Morning" by Maroon 5, and I was suprised! It was very good...for Hollywood, don't know about the actual competition, but good. Simon thinks he has a great voice, but was nervous about him, Randy thinks he can really blow and Paula says yes. Off to Hollywood for Joey, and after a loser montage, to commercials for us. (2 hours long....so many advertisers, so little Idol.)

We're back and now we have Alaa Youakeem, or Yuka for short. He's from Egypt and has been in America for 3 years. He loves American Music, especially the Bee Gee's. He loves American Girls and apparently they love him too. They supposedly call him "Sexy Face." (Sure, I believe that.) He also is saving himself for the right girl, whom he can love from her "hair to her nipple."  Hmmm....moving on. In the room, we have about 2 minutes worth of the judges pronouncing his name wrong. Oh, and he also likes Paula, the way she sings and dances. (This isn't his ad in the personals, really.) Since he likes the Bee Gee's so much, he sings "How Deep Is Your Love." And....shut up. Paula thinks it's great that he was able to "phonetically learn our songs" (Yes, she really said that) loves his effort and she appreciates him. Rand says singing is not his thing and Simon just says "nice to meet you." Going Home....tally so far Hollywood: 1, Da Bus: 1.

Our "third" contender is Melanie Nyema, and she's a back up singer! Actually was Taylor Hick's back up singer. She sings Natasha Bedingfield's "Unwritten" and belts it out for the whole world to hear, and stops in the middle of a line. I think it was good, but overdone. Paula liked it, Simon was neither here nor there (no) and Randy says yes. Hollywood. (2-1)

Next up is James Lewis, we were prepped for this guy before the break to be "possibly the worst audition ever." He's 22, and a tour guide here in Philly. He says that he's unique and new, his specialty...anything that is low. He sings "Go Down Moses." Oh, please, let my eardrums go!! What the hell is this??? Somebody told this guy he could sing? probably not, just another plug to keep ratings up. The whole time he sings, Paula and Randy are laughing hyterically. He finishes and paula apologizes for them laughing. He thinks he can try a different song, so he starts singing again! It's a no, and they show him outside, and he thinks it was because he chose Old Christian music. Nest year he'll come back and sing something more modern. Good luck with that. Da Bus!! (2-2)

Next, a couple quickies. Nick Stano, 22, with "Unchained Melodies" followed by Sibyll White, 16, singing something I don't know, and then Zhengzhong Yu, 20, what??? Anyway, Squeally, Screechy, and zzzzz... (2-5)

A couple more quickies, good ones this time. Junot Jones with Elton John's "That's Why They Call It The Blues." follwed by Jose Candelera with something in spanish, and Johnathon Baines, again, don't know the song. But all three are going to Hollywood. (5-5, see the pattern?)

And here's our girl from a teaser earlier. Temptress Brown. Who in their right mind would name their child Temptress?? Come on, I've heard Tempest before (Vanessa from the Cosby Show) but Temptress? Anyway, she's 16 and a Middle Linebacker on the football team at school. And I bet the only thing she's "tempting" is the other team to run away! She's here partly for herself, and partly for her mom. You see, her mom is "very ill." They cut to her mother in a wheelchair with O2 strapped to her nose. But here's the thing...her mom's not ill, she's is grossly obese! She is literally hanging over the sides of the wheelchair! And I'm not saying this to make fun of her, but let's call it what it is. Temptress decides to sing "Not Going Nowhere" by Jennifer Hudson. What did I say about this people, don't sing any songs by former Idol stars! Ouch, this hurts, she is extremely screechy. Simon calls her a sweethart, but not a great singer. She sticks out her bottom lip and the tears start streaming down her face. We really do feel bad for her, she was genuinely here thinking she would make it through. Randy and Paula get up and hug her and all three of the judges walk her out into the hall. Her whole family is there and applaude her effort. Her dad(?) hugs her and looks at Simon and says, "You weren't mean to her, were you?"  Actually, no, Simon wasn't mean, this time. (5-6)

Mark Hayes, 18, has a very unique talent of making cricket sounds, he likes to use this when he's at a comedy club and no one is laughing. You heckler you! He chooses to sing (and butcher) Bing Crosby's "White Christmas." And all is quiet when he is done....hmmm...do I hear cricket sounds? Of course, you think Idol would have let go? (5-7)

"Udi" or Ugeet Sampat, a 22 year old Auto Finace Manager who thinks he can dance like MC Hammer, nope. When asked who he thinks he sounds like, "Barry Manilow & Frank Sinatra." And he's gonna sing "My Way." He horribly murders this song, he's flat and monotone. Thank you, Simon for stopping him! Simon tells him he's nuts! Ha, Ha! then Udi asks for an explination. Simon elaborates for him, "it was one note, tuneless, and disturbing." buh-bye. (5-8)

....and an "I Love Rock N Roll" motage of losers....

Here's  our angy beaver of the night, Alexis Cowen. We've seen clip after clip of this chick the whole show so far, ripping Simon up. She's 23 and looks like the 80's Madonna, if she got beat in the face a few times. She's studing to be a vet, and as well as being a singer, she's an artist. She's been compared to Janice Joplin, Grey Slick, and Pat Benatar. She's singing Grey Slick's version of "Somebody To Love." And.....she's actually not bad! Not great, but not bad. Simon says he sees her playing in a cover band, but is not mean to her at all, says something about her voice sounding possessed, but it was a "good" type of comment. Randy thinks she'd do well in a 60-70's cover band, but it's a no. She was excited to hear their comments, and was nice when she was leaving the room. BUT, outside the doors, she actually becomes possessed. Calls Simon a "bad word." literally, she said "Simon's a bad word." Back inside the room, Simon asks someone of stage who played the Gree Goblin is the first Spiderman movie. There's our Simon. (it was William Defoe, by the way. 5-9)

And we have another few minutes of watching the same clips of Alexis we've seen spread out throughout the show. SHUT UP!

More winners...and losers.

Last audition for day one is Angela Martin. She's 26, and got pregnant her senior year in high school. She's not here for fame, she's here to hopefully win the competition and take care of her daughter who has Rhet's Syndrome, it's like Ceribal Palsy. She is currently in a band in Chicago. She sings "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" by Stevie Wonder. (This Was Sanjaya's Auditon song, by the way, in case you forgot about him) She does it very well, and with her own style.Simon says she sounded old-fashioned, and has picked up bad habits from being in a "wedding band," but has a good voice. Hollywood. (6-9)

DAY TWO

Did you know that everbody in Philly loves you? Well they do.

And we see a skinny little redhead in a red dress dancing around in the waiting room. Aliese Wichikowski, her inspirations are Eva Cassidy, Lauren Hill and Alicia Keys. She sings Feeling Good and screams it. I swear, if I go deaf by the end of the show.... Simon says it was identical to a nightmare he had before the season started. No. (6-10)

Teressa Anello, 22, what?!?! Bye. (6-11)

Brandy Park, 22, Heart's "How Do I Get You Alone." Simon sums it up...."You Woundn't (6-12)

Here is our yearly old guy, Milo Turch. A 39 year old, failling singer/songwriter, who looks like a balding elf, has a message to bring to the world. (his songs need to be played on the radio!) He is dedicating this song to Simon. "No Sex Allowed" by...Milo Turch. Yeah, like anyone wants to hear that on the radio. Simon says it was creepy, and Milo wants to sing another song. Simon doesn't want to hear another one of his perverted songs. Poor Milo gets offended, "it wasn't perverted. it's the opposite." Whatever. (6-13)

All the way from Oregon comes Kristie Lee Cook. A 23 year old cutie who lives in a log cabin and raises horses. She actually sold her prize barrell horse to get here.  Oh, and she can kick your butt. She is a Kickboxer and trains for cage fighting. Simon has fun with this, of course, and asks about bikinis, mud, jello, etc. (no, none of that is involved) She sings "Amazing Grace," and oh my god is it beautiful. I say end the contest now! She wins. (7-13)

Ben Harr, this shows wierdo, comes in wearing a cloak and we cut to Simon rolling his eyes. Why the cloak, you ask? He wants his costume to be a surprise of course. He's wearing Princess Leah's slave bikini.  and every roll is hanging out. To top it off, he has more chest hair then my dog! Simon doesn't want to hear anything, and Paula is to distracted by his hairy chest to focus. What's he do next? He asks if he waxes it, can he come back. (of course he can. Bet Idol even paid for it.) Next.

Pedro Rivera is 19 and mumbling (7-14)

Shekninah Bathyehudah (what?) 29. Shes got a big hat and a feather boa singing "America the Beautiful" Though her voice is not. (7-15)

And more angry losers! yea!

Paul Marturano wrote a "love song" for Paula. WOW, creepy stalker guy. It's funny, but then he actually gets creepy. And he gets escorted out by security (big surprise there) (7-16)

Next up is Beth Stalker.(haha, stalker.) She's 28, and by day she's a mild-mannered stay at home mom, but at night she turns into a nightclub singer. She had an album when she was 4! She sings "Bewitched, Bothered, & Bewildered." It has a nice old flavor to it, and she has good stage presence, but Simon says she wouldn't stand out, so no. But Randy and Paula say yes and she's going to Hollywood. (8-16)

Ben is getting waxed on camera! Remember the scene from 40-year-old Virgin? I wonder since he is on American Idol he screams out "OOOWWW!! STEVE CARREL!!!" I know, sorry. And he's back with the judges. Has no hair on his chest. He wants to sing "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls. Why do these people want to waste our time with this crap..oh,yeah, sorry, ratings. As soon as he starts singing and dancing he gets stopped by the judges. Thank you and bye! Simon asks why "that fat lump" wants to be on TV anyway. (8-17)

Chris Watson wants to be a legend. He's 20, and working on his Associates Degree in something. He sings Uncle Kracker's "Follow Me" and sings it way better tha Kracker could ever hope to. Simon thinks it was good, and he looks like a star, Randy thinks he has a different sounding voice, and Paula is drooling. (9-17)

More Losers and they give us the reasons why in pouty voices. So sad.

We already had a guy dressed as Leah, now we have a girl who thinks herself to be leah. Well, not really. Though she is a diehard Star Wars fan, and has the Leah buns (her hair, guys) and a Star Wars Logo on her belt. Kristina Telassano, 24, doesn't consider herself sexy, and neither do I. But believes herself to be a good singer. Ryan can't help but make a "Force" joke. She sings Roger Daltry's version of "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me." It actually starts out ok, but gets sloppy in the middle. I bet if she took a few years of vocal training, she'd be okay. Randy says it was a strange audition. And after she leaves Simon says "Give my love to the Wookie." Ouch. She cries, calls herself a dork and all Idol wants is pretty girls and perfect voices. Gee, I wonder why? "Idol" ? (9-18)

Last up is Brooke White, 24, grew up in Arizona, living in California. She's a nanny for a set of 1 yr old twins and thinks that the experience is wonderful. They show her with the twins. Awww... She has never seen an R rated movie, doesn't drink or smoke, and neither does her husband. Simon jokes about husband staying up late, she doesn't get it. She sings "Like A Star" and she has a really pretty voice. It's soft and sweet, and she seems to be into the song. Randy likes her, she's "pure." Simon thinks she's sincere, has a nice voice, and wants to bring her over to the darkside. As if we didn't have enough Star Wars references in this show already. Anyway she made it, and we hear for the first time this season, "OTHER DOOR!" She Does a victory dance.(and that puts my tally of actually shown auditions at 10 yes and 18 no.) Hmmmm.....

But 29 actually got through and Princess is still crying about being a dork and only the best looking, prettiest get in. Whatever.

Tomorrow...Dallas! Home of Kelly Clarkson, Paula dances with a "pimp."

See ya!